I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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