imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
