I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
is wine microwaveable?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
