I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
