remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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