my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
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