K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
