the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
