i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize