24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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