I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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