i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
