Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
