News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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