our cab driver is having phone sex.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
