The maid of honor just puked.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
