u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
