if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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