My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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