He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
