You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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