she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
