Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I think I sprained my soul last night
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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