When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Randomize
