its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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