tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
