when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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