Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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