I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
