I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
