I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
