I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Randomize