Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
