I don't usually arrange sex via text message
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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