she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
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