Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
