we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
