Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize