Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Randomize
