Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
What drink are we having for lunch?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
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