apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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