it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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