She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
