She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
