Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
