apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I stole a fireplace last night.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
