his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Please don't give away my fajitas
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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