white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
