I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Randomize
