Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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