rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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