Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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