i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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