Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
