There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
