There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
