My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
if only i could text you this smell
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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